Hard to Stay Holy

     So it's been quite some time since my last post, and while I've been wanting to write over the past few months, the chaos of school, the demands of life, and the condition of my heart have hindered me. But now, as I am getting ready to take my last exam of freshman year (which seems so crazy!) and head home for the summer, I finally feel like life is going back to normal. However, my heart still feels uneasy. While I feel that God is presenting some really awesome outreach opportunities for me this summer and next semester, I still have this inner struggle that I just can't shake, no matter how desperately I want to.
      Living in this world and trying to remain holy, or set apart, is starting to become more difficult than I ever imagined. And lately, I have been experiencing the crazy temptation to be of this world and to give in to what is, sadly, "normal" and expected of today's youth and college students. Even though the group of friends that I hang around don't do these things, the societal expectation and the actions that are glorified through media are enticing. It just seems so easy to give into that environment of partying and drinking and just forgetting about all responsibilities and focus on fun all of the time.  And a part of me thinks that by doing those things, I will be more accepted and have more friends, which is probably true, but I so often forget that those things don't matter. The things of this world do not matter because I have something so much better.
      I have to remember that God has called me higher and that through Him, He has called me to be holy. As I have heard, for so many years and from so many different people, to be holy means to be set apart. And when we accept the One True God, He sets us apart as His children to be a light in this dark world warns us to guard our hearts from destruction. Proverbs 4:23 says "above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life (or 'for it determines the course for your life')". And man, as I write this, I'm pretty overwhelmed by his glory and grace. Even though I have that temptation and sin so, so often, He still wants me and wants to use me. Like, what?
     I hope that if someone out there reading this is going through the same thing, they would be encouraged that even though we are sinful and gross and think that our way is better than His, that doesn't change the love He has for us and His desire to use us, even when we don't want Him to use us or feel too dirty to be used for His glory.
     My prayer is that as I, and anyone else that struggling with something similar, would be constantly reminded that we are called higher by the Highest of all.
     God is good.
     Always.

Brokenness Aside

I am....

• A Follower of Christ
• A college student
• A girl with a passion to help others
• A sinner

After trying to decide what I wanted to write my first post about, I became torn between two topics: 1. God's grace and 2. His faithfulness. I finally decided that this time, I'll address His faithfulness. God's faithfulness is something that utterly blows my mind. Even when I am totally faithLESS, He is always there, patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and run, full speed, back to Him.

 Throughout my walk with Him, there have been so many times when I lacked faith. For instance: I went through a tough breakup a little over a year ago. I had been with my ex- boyfriend for about three years, and the separation completely shut me down. I had put everything I had into that relationship-- my entire heart, and so much more. I thought that it would last forever, but it didn't. I was left alone feeling depressed, worthless, dirty, and broken. I had reached such a dark place that I felt that even God wouldn't want me back. I didn't realize until recently that, at the time, I was simply afraid to let go of my past. I was too ashamed to ask for forgiveness. I didn't want to admit that I was wrong. I was running from God at the time that I needed Him the most. I had no faith that anything would ever get better for me which caused me to have occasional suicidal thoughts. But one day while laying on the couch, pitying myself, I had a major realization that hit me hard. I realized that the Lord had been there all along and that my heart ache and my pain was just the end of a chapter in my book and that my book wasn't over yet. I also realized that through my mistakes, God gave me a window to relate with those who have experienced similar pain and as time went on, I noticed His faithfulness in everything. After my large bout of faithlessness, I have gone through a few more valleys where I was far from faithful to God. It's so easy sometimes to get out of the habit of reading the Bible and talking to the Lord everyday. But when I go through those dry patches, I'm convicted my Hosea 6:3 which says "Let us acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth." He is ever present and ever faithful and we need to acknowledge that fact. No matter what we go through, no matter where we are in life, He is always there calling after us, waiting for us to return to Him. His love, His grace, His faithfulness, it never runs out. As I write this, I have "Brokenness Aside" by All Sons and Daughters playing on repeat. The song is a beautiful picture of what I talked about through this post. The second verse and the chorus are: "Will you call me child, if I tell you lies? Cause all I know is how to cry. I am a sinner, if it's not one thing, it's another. Caught up in words, tangled in lies. But you are a savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful." How awesome is it that we serve a God who can take any situation we're in and turn it around, make it beautiful, and then use us to glorify Him through our experience??

 

Be blessed, know that you're loved, you are worthy, and that no matter what you're going through, God is beside you for every step. The only reason you are in a situation that you can't handle is because God is waiting for you to let it go and turn it over to Him. Have faith in Him and trust Him, He'll never let you down.